I received this message this morning from someone dear to me: “Dee, you certainly belong in this family. We have all been through many fires and have all been Triumphant.” sometime after I was done crying I began to think about the difference between “belonging in”, and  “belonging to”; between chattel and partnership, between “one among” and “one of”.

Growing up, I always felt a if I were trying to be, but never succeeding at being “one of”. Not in my family, not in my church, not at school, not by many in the military in which I was compelled to enlist after high school, not even in my own body. My family and my church were constantly telling me that I wasn’t who I knew myself to be, and I was punished, often harshly, for stepping outside the bounds of what was considered acceptable.

We learn who we are when we are accepted, when we discover a sense of belonging with those who love and accept us as we are. We become better versions of ourselves among those with whom we belong when they challenge us to do better, not because they dislike us, or because we embarrass them, but because they know what we are capable of, and what we deserve from life.

Finding a family where I could belong was the first step in healing my very broken soul. Learning that I was worthy of being loved, that I wasn’t an abomination, that I wasn’t evil, helped me to become a more complete, a more whole person. I learned to be better, to do better, to love better, and to accept love.

The photo accompanying today’s post is my Meetinghouse, the Haddonfield Friends Meetinghouse, taken from our graveyard, where I will someday likely be buried. A few montre ago I was walking in this graveyard and thinking of those Friends now buried there, who were part of my meeting, and felt a deep understanding that these are now my people. I’m a part of this community. This is where I belong, and in our graveyard, children play, people walk, and people have been doing so for 300 years. And these people from the beginning remain where they belong, among Friends, with those who remember them, among children playing, and ever close to where they worshipped in silence.

I’ve been a part of this community for about 2 1/2 years,and though it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, it was and is exactly what I needed. And the larger Quaker community has been even more so. I’m finding myself challenged spiritually – not only to live my beliefs, but to define them. I belong here, and it is in this community, among these people, where I am becoming again, a better version of myself.

Some say that blood is thicker than water, and this once implied that familial bonds were stronger than the bonds of Christian baptism. What I’ve come to understand of late is that the strongest bond isn’t one of blood, or genetics but of commitment, of covenant, it just so happens that our strongest commitments and covenants are usually aligned with our genetics. Sometimes though, this isn’t the case. Sometimes those bonds are stained or broken. Sometimes they are irrevocably shattered. And when that happens those of us who wish not only to survive, but thrive, will find this who are capable of loving us, of being mirrors for us, and of accepting our love.

The worst thing we can do, and many of us might be tempted, is to consider ourselves unworthy, unlovable, too broken, and give up. If you have been tempted to feel this way, please know that you don’t have to. Every one of us is important and worthy and needed. Your story matters, your voice matters.

If you are feeling so troubled that you might harm yourself, please reach out and talk to someone. 988 is the national suicide hotline in the United States. You can find an international list of hotlines here: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/

I allowed myself to feel in some of the darkest places imaginable for far too long, because I believed the lies I was told about me, by those who couldn’t, by those who didn’t know how, and by those who never wanted to love me. I let their lies poison me, and it wasn’t until I stopped listening to them that I was able to find myself, to hear my own voice in the midst of the inner chatter my head had been filled with, and to begin the process of healing and becoming.

If you are like I was many years ago, you may be feeling a bit desperate, like you have few options – or no options. You may be tired, exhausted by the struggle, convinced that nothing will change. I’d like to share some thoughts about that.

The first one is this: things definitely can change; the reason we think they won’t is because despite how much of the picture we might think we can see, we don’t see it all. I had huge gaping holes even in my own autobiographical memory. I knew that most of my family didn’t want to know me because I was intersex, and they wanted me to live as male, and I didn’t want that. They see me as trans, rebellious, going against God’s design, and no amount of genetic information will convince them otherwise. For many years I was hopeless and at times, desperate. I saw no way out. But my picture and knowledge were incomplete. Fate and unmet friends, who soon became adopted family, had other, better, plans for me.

Life can change in marvelous and unexpected ways, and it is when we are feeling empty that we can be filled. The challenge, when we find ourselves in that empty state is to let ourselves be filled. We need to be willing to permit the pressure vessel that is holding that vacuum of emptiness to be punctured and allow it to be filled. While it can be an uncomfortable process, the rewards cannot be overstated. We are social beings, and even though we may have been harmed by people, it will be people who will bring us healing. Belonging, not belonging to, but simply belonging, changes us, heals us, in ways that we cannot expect to ever be changed or healed in solitude.

Solitude feels safe, but it’s really not. It isolates us and acts as an incubator for the negativity that we’ve been filled with. We think we’re protecting ourselves from further hurt, but what we’re really doing is preventing ourselves from achieving the healing that we could be experiencing. This isn’t too easy that we should be jumping into relationships just for the sake of having them, but it does mean that if we want the best in life, we will do well to put forth some energy in cultivating healthy and lasting relationships.