My name is Deirdre and I’m here to talk about trauma, recovery, and how to live a life filled with joy in that recovery. At the moment, this isn’t an area where I’m a professional, but it is something I have a great deal of experience with. Let me tell you a little bit about myself.

I grew up in a cult in New England. That might sound strange and harsh, but I think that there are quite a few people who are in cults today and don’t even know it. But I’m not here to tell anyone to leave their church – I’m not anti-church at all! As a matter of fact, I’m quite involved and very happy in a Quaker meeting in New Jersey where I live – in the suburbs of Philadelphia.

What I am here to say is that freedom matters. And if there is anything in your life that is keeping you trapped and not bringing you joy, that is a problem, and something that deserves a second look. This can be your own thoughts and emotions, your use of substances, a church, political group, relationship, civic organization, fitness group – literally anything that is more draining than beneficial.

When I was quite young, I used to think of 60, 80, or 100 years as a very long time. But after I left my first cult, I went into another, and another, and another, and yet another. It wasn’t until just a couple of years ago that I finally realized that my entire life to that point had been spent under the control of other people, and I had never been allowed to explore who I was, or what I wanted. Now, in my 60s, I’m discovering that 80 isn’t very far away at all, and it’s up to me to pack in what joy I can find in whatever time I have left.

I could look back on my past with resentment and anger, but however much time I spend doing that is time that I’m not spending enjoying now and planning for my future. Of course there is still sadness, and there are still things about my past that I must deal with in the present – some of these are legal, some have to do with mental health. Few of us who go through some of the things some of us do can escape without long-term consequences, but while we must deal with these things, they don’t need to be the primary focus of our lives, any more than our physicians or jobs do. They are, of course, part of our lives, but we don’t live “for” these things – we have these things so that we can do the things we wish to do.

The image for today’s post was taken just days before I moved from New Hampshire to New Jersey. It’s a reminder of leaving things behind that were holding me back.

I started this blog because my car recently died. It forced me to take public transportation to work. I said to myself that it would give me time to write. I’m a writer, and I wanted to use the time I was commuting to write. One of the things I wrote this morning, I sent to my therapist, Esther. She recommended I start a blog. This is it – begun as a result of my morning musings – a result of a defective automobile.

I’m beginning to think that even if I get my car fixed, I might continue to take public transportation to work. It’s good for my health, good for the environment, and good for my writing. It will be good, too, to see what sort of community I can build here.

So, welcome to this journey!